He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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