Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
