i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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