he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
