im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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