It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My feet surprised me
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