never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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