i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
