I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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