your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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