So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
