I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
