Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
