WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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