Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
