If i come over, it means nothing
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
