lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
