Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
