whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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