THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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