I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
