In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
