my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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