opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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