I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
