The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
