How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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