You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
