Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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