mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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