i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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