I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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