you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
