just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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