In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
