wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize