mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
