Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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