Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
