She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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