i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
