When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You took a bar mat shot.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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