That's intense
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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