i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
