Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
