I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
