why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
