I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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