When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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