I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
