I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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