you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
