he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize