My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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