3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
