White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
