Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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