i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
