You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
