dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
