My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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