There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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