It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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