There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
