Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Randomize
