pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
