I'm jealous of your bromance
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
