I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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