If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
