I just cut my nipple shaving
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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