What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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