and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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