She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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